Notable news: I just saw 22 squirrels in the park.
I had a breakthrough the other day. It was while watching a sermon on "Christ-centered relationships" by Francis Chan.
I've really been going through a desert lately in my walk with God. I feel like I've been walking through the valley for so long and no hills are in sight. Stress, anxiety, depression, anger - all of these have been consuming me.
I've been battling anxiety for the past four years. Four years ago is when I had my first major panic attack: I blacked out. During my first semester at bible college, I had my second: I was taken to the ER.
Sure, we can chalk it up to all sorts of medical reasons, but I know it's because I am stubborn and I don't like to surrender everything to the Lord. I get scared in the storms of life and I hear God calling out to me, "oh you of little faith". And I'm not okay with this way of living. I've been trying so hard to change this, to have more faith, to surrender everything at the feet of Jesus. And every day I've felt more and more depressed. But see that's the thing - I was trying. I haven't been reaching out and receiving the unlimited power that is available to us through Christ. I haven't trusted in Him; I've trusted in myself. And look where that's gotten me.
I've been especially stressed this past month with all my health problems and then my fiance leaving for an internship in Utah. My anxiety reached a whole new level. I'm like a baby - I get separation anxiety. And the thing is, I could have gone with him. Nothing was stopping me except for a still, small voice telling me, "Megan, you need to learn to be dependent on Me". And that's the very thing I've been fighting not to do for the past four weeks. I've been dependent on my fiance and friends and anything else besides God, because that's too scary for me.
That was until two days ago.
I started listening to this sermon, because, well, I'm getting married soon. Francis Chan and his wife were talking about how we can't find life in our significant other. And how marriage isn't about our expectations and needs being met. It's about God and God always has to come first. And somehow, the way they explained it hit home for me. I began crying as I thought about how I was finding my source of life in things besides Christ and how those things were actually choking the life out of me. God slapped me across the face with my own selfishness tough love and all my pride came crashing down. And all of the sudden I was released from my bonds. It was like I was able, for the first time in a long time, to take a big, deep breath of fresh air. Suddenly my fear, depression, anxiety, anger, and stress vanished. In the middle of my desert, God had provided a stream of living water. And I wouldn't say that I'm still in that desert or that I'm on a hill. I'm just where I am. But see it doesn't matter where I am, because God is as much God in the valley as He is on the hill. He is ALWAYS God and I am ALWAYS able to do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.
And I do expect more dry seasons. Without them, I'd never learn to cry out to God. And that's what's changed - instead of crying, I've learned to cry out. Even last night, discouragement knocked at the door and I had to begin praying immediately against it. My friend posted something today that said, "prayer is the best armor against all trials". And I know that God will always be faithful to answer those prayers.
Psalm 84:11b - " No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Praise God for His faithfulness! He is faithful even when we are not!
My chains are gone, I've been set free!
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